What I Found in the Book I Thought I'd Never Read

 

                   “Reyna, whatever you do, don’t ever depend on a man for anything!”
I was just a little girl when I stood there watching my mom cut down trees, hang drywall, and fix our roof. The projects were different, but her message was always the same: men can’t be trusted.

Photo (2001): My mother, after work, cooking in the house she was working so hard to make our home.

Now a single mom she had been hurt deeply in her life, and her unhealed wounds came out in the way she spoke and lived. Just a little girl, I watched her struggle, quietly wishing I could do more. Somewhere along the way, I began to believe the same lie. For me, respecting men was a foreign concept. 

By the time I was 19, I was married.

Years later, when my marriage was struggling I picked up a book on marriage titled Love & Respect. Somewhere in between the pages, still I walked through an unwanted divorce.

I stopped reading the book.

Since then it’s been sitting on a shelf collecting dust. I’ve often thought of throwing it in the box to donate. But there it’s sat year after year. I’ve finally got to a place where I thought I really should read it, not to rehash the pain of what was, but to prepare my heart for what’s to come: love. Like a final exam, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t start dating until I read it.

So then came the night I picked up the book I’d been side-eyeing with contempt. Uncomfortable doesn’t begin to describe how I felt reading those first pages. I kept thinking, how much longer until I’m done? I flipped through it quickly, and near the back, out slid $60 bucks.   

I totally forgot I put that there, but what a relief to see something other than words that triggered me. Cold, hard cash. Ha! It was $60 after all and not $5.

Since then, I’ve been reading a little each night. Before I open it, I often read my Bible first, just to steady my heart.

Here’s a verse I’m thankful for:

“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6 

Reading the book has been both challenging and healing. Recently, I took it with me on a trip. Sitting by a window on an airplane I turned a page and found another $20 inside. Oh what joy! It felt like it was a reminder from my past self, keep going.

I often think of that version of me, that woman who found herself at a crossroads and was desperately trying to hold it all together. But I’ve realized it’s not my job to do that. Reyna doesn’t hold anything together—God does.

So I’ll keep my focus on Him, when life is good and when it’s not so good. I’ll learn to be the woman He’s called me to be—not for a man, not for my children, not even for me—but I’ll do it for God.

I want to live a life that honors Him and be all He’s called me to be. And I know when I do that, I’m the best version of me for everyone around me.

Recently, I found myself behind my refrigerator trying to fix a leak. Both my girls were right there with me—one holding the flashlight, the other watching a YouTube video and calling out the directions. Step by step, we were figuring it out together. I was stressed, and just like my mom, I couldn’t keep quiet—but my words were a bit different. “God, please help me. I know You’re with me.”

And He was.

We found the leak, connected the right parts, and just like that—it was fixed! My daughters and I looked at each other with big eyes and even bigger smiles. We had just done that—no plumber bill for us! We celebrated like we had just won the Super Bowl. But what we really gained was more valuable—a step toward generational healing.

We won’t be women who curse men—we will be women who call on God, who honor, love, and respect the men in our lives. Not in spite of my mom, but because of her. Her strength to face so many obstacles alone showed me that I don’t have to and neither do you. God is with you in every struggle, every heartache, and at every crossroads.

And yes—He is someone you can depend on.

With love,
your friend,
still in process,

Reyna Reyna

                                                      This blog is dedicated to my mom. 
I see you now in ways I couldn’t when I was younger. I understand the strength it took for you to raise me, protect me, and keep going through your own pain.  Watching God heal you has equipped me in ways you will never know. I know He is real, because I see Him in you! 

Photo: (2022)  Mom praising Jesus with her whole heart at a Mercy Me concert. She was so excited that we just so happened to have seats next to her favorite - Bill Ingram! 

P.S. The book is Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs Based on Ephesians 5:33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.